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by George Ziemann
2011
April 4, 2011 -- Due to the outstanding
failure of my ability to make a living in the music business, I've been
forced to take a job as a security guard. After about two months of it,
I'm beginning to wish someone would just shoot me in the head.
2010 December 30, 2010 -- Received a copyright
registration this week that was applied for in July, 2009. There were
no errors or evident problems, but it took 18 months to be processed.
What's up with that?
December 11, 2010 -- Even with a promising
new direction on the horizon, there is something quite disconcerting
about coming to the realization that what I have worked so long and so
hard on for the past decade seems to be rather irrelevant.
On one hand, there is strength gained from the fact that during my period
of railing against the recording industry, I was right and they were
wrong. The days of financially raping artists
are gone. The RIAA cannot legislate away new technology or force the
public back to the way things were. File sharing, mp3s, the internet
and independence are not going away. Artists can make a quality recording
on their own, without requiring a record
label. Global distribution is now cheap and easy.
We
have the
technology
and more of us than ever know how to use it.
But that's just not enough. I was wrong about the really important things.
After three albums, my ideas
about making and selling an independent album clearly did not work. I
think the making part went pretty well, as well as several of the other
steps involved, but the selling of it is still a mystery to me. Playing
live definitely helps.
Sufficient
publicity
helps even more, but it's hard to hang onto unless you have deep pockets.
But after more than a half million downloads (a milestone that was passed
more than a year ago), it's safe to say that I put wa-a-a-y too much
utopian faith in the general online audience. It never panned out.
Not a total loss, though. Lessons have been learned, new skills attained.
I've changed my overall perspective of life, music, and the business
of music.
The whiteboard has been wiped clean. Time to start all over again.
November 22, 2010 -- Well, I'm getting
used to the idea that what seemed impossible a month and a half ago will
actually become a reality. I still can't really talk about
it, and I still have to wait a while longer before it gets going, both
of which are kind of driving me nuts.
What I can say is that, despite the fact that it does involve music,
it's really
going
to take
my focus
away
from what the record labels are doing because it entirely involves
live shows. I'm going back to my roots, and going to be doing sound for
a touring act.
While that doesn't qualify as the impossible all by itself, it's the
scope of the project (and where the touring will take place) that takes
it into the realm of being a major step that I thought I was beyond considering.
So I may be relatively quiet for just a while longer, but a grand story
is ready to begin. Right now, I'd agree with Tom Petty — the waiting
is the hardest part.
October 14, 2010 -- As
I have already said, I've reached my life goal. I always knew I could.
That's why it was a goal — a rational and rather
deliberate thing which I knew I could accomplish if I set my
mind to it and refused to give up until I had attained it.
Mine was to produce an album. I decided I could
do it in 1975. Realistically, I could have done it in less that 35
years, but there was always some little thing that got in the way.
For the first 25 years, there was the issue of needing a recording
studio, a record label, and a big pile of money, the sort of things
which always seemed to require sacrificing integrity
and
letting someone else be in control.
So I waited. I even wrote it off as unattainable
several times, but kept coming back to it, kept trying, kept taking
one more step closer. After the century turned, digital technology
became accessible and erased the major barriers. There were still obstacles,
but the goal was suddenly within reach. The equipment was affordable,
a record label was no longer required and, with a little ingenuity,
you could get around needing an expensive studio.
In 2002, I produced the first album, Hayden's
Wall. Unfortunately, it didn't meet my own standards. It wasn't
the album I wanted to make. It had flaws. I was not satisfied. I
had made an album, but not the album. It took seven years
to have another set of circumstances conducive to
a second try. The result was Hurricane Alley's Category
One. Much closer, but still not there.
As they say, the third time's the charm, Hurricane
Alley's Category Two was
finished in late August of this year. None of the songs were mine;
I hadn't written the music. The tracks that my colleagues
and myself had performed required months of labor, and several times
it looked as if the entire world was conspiring to prevent it from
being finished. There were things that happened during the
production that seemed beyond
my control — like a hard drive crash, and tracks that refused
to be mixed down.
The reward was that the first time I listened
to the finished product, I knew that this was the album I had always
wanted
to create.
I had finally
reached
my goal.
But I had paid dearly to achieve it. My life had
fallen apart, my marriage ended, I lost my home, my child, my family,
all my wordly possessions, had no job, no money and only a few friends,
most of which were nowhere to be found. There was no celebration, no
basking in the warmth of attaining what I worked so many years for.
My attention was immediately turned to mere survival.
The worst of it was that I had no idea what to do next. I ended up getting
a small apartment, keeping entirely to myself, vacillating between the
edge of depression and a determination to restart my life, but without
any sort of purpose. I applied for jobs I didn't really want and was
stumbling around blindly for more than a month with absolutely no vision
for the future.
Inspired by a treatise
on the power of thought and magic, I asked myself, What if I
tried the impossible?
What if I looked beyond the realistic?
What if I looked back at my dreams and tried to do something I never
entertained
as a viable option. Even if I failed, I would still be no worse off that
I already was. I'd already lost everything I valued. There was no risk
left. I was already forced to only consider myself. Not for selfish reasons,
but
because I simply had no choice. I had been limiting myself to "normal." It was time to vastly
expand my horizons.
There is an entire world out
there. From time to time, through the magic of the internet,
I have come into contact with people that are doing things beyond the
scope of what
most of us consider possible.
I decided to go down my list
of contacts and see if they happened to have something that I might
be suited for, no matter where they were, no matter how irrational or
preposterous
it might seem on the surface. There was something incredibly liberating
about this line of thought. It changed my situation into an
opportunity to erase all the boundaries.
As I looked over the list, I intentionally chose the most unlikely,
over-the-top, insane possibility as my starting point in this quest.
After all, if
you're going to attempt the impossible, you might as well start with
the most impossible
option first.
It's still a little
early to publicly discuss it, but I can say that if you're willing
to truly believe in yourself, remove all the self-imposed limits and
eliminate "I can't" from your thought process, attempting the impossible
is definitely be worth a try. And it might not hurt to believe in magic
and miracles.
I never had to go
back and figure out what the second choice might be. September 28, 2010 -- Having
a hard time accomplishing much lately. I seem to have lost my ambition.
Could be because everything I used to care about has come to an end
and I am trying to start my life over again at age 55.
At first, the new-found solitude was rather refreshing,
but after a couple of months, it's grown rather tedious. There are
several things I could do, but I'm having a hard time really caring
whether
they get done or not. I've created an outline for a book, have written
several songs, am almost finished writing a piece of software, but
none of these projects seems to hold my attention for more than 10
minutes at a time.
How do you get enthused about life at 55? It seems
a little late in life to aspire to greatness. I've
already accomplished everything I ever wanted to and more. I reached
all of my goals and there's no longer anyone around to help reach theirs.
For the first time in at least 35 years, no one
is counting on me for anything and the only thing I have to worry about
is my personal survival, which seems rather trivial and pointless.
Not in a "oh, my life is meaningless" way, but more in that
I've spent most of my life trying to make other people happy and that's
where
I've derived my own personal satisfaction.
When it comes down to just me, there isn't anything
I want that I don't already have.
This probably sounds like I'm depressed
but I've been depressed before and this isn't it. When you're depressed,
you feel beaten, defeated or like life has turned on you. I don't feel
any of that. I don't feel down, I'm not sad, don't feel lacking in anyway,
put upon, in distress or out of options. My spirituality is quite intact;
my faith is not being tested.
I don't feel much of anything at all.
It's more like I suddenly have complete freedom to do absolutely anything
I want. So many people I know would love to be in the position to be
completely self-serving, to fulfill their own personal desires without
worrying about anyone but themselves, but I don't "want" or "need" anything
at all. And
money seems like the least important goal of all. Even
if someone dropped a small fortune in my lap, it wouldn't change a thing.
I've outgrown greed and materialism. I have nothing left to prove
to anyone, no desire to impress, no interest in coercing anyone to change
the way they think to conform to what I believe.
I'm still quite aware that I can do or be anything I put my mind to.
I
know
that I
can still change the future, alter
my
reality.
The
question is,
change
it
to
what?
August 27, 2010 -- For
the last two months, my primary activities have been music production
and software programming. Not one single person I know seems to have
much of a clue about either one, which makes me feel intellectually
isolated. I'm actually kind of used to this, but this week, it's bugging
me.
August 26, 2010 -- Moved
half of this page into the archives because I had something to write
and the page was getting long. Then I came back to write. Even though
I remember the topic, I don't remember the point I was going to make.
I hate it when that happens.
August 4, 2010 -- Have
received several comments about the story of my trip. This one, from
a good friend, struck me.
"YOU seem to be able to keep on the your correct chosen moral
path without undue compromise.
"Some folks (like myself) are just going to look up to you and your exploits."
I've made a lot of compromises. I just don't write about them.
For several years now, I've been on a "tell the truth, all the
time" jag.
It works, but sometimes you have to hold back the truth, especially
in consideration of others. And I've been busy trying to change the world,
but hadn't been willing to step up and change my own because it has
conflicted
with the needs of others.
In the end, however, when you sacrifice your
own inner needs, and don't feed them properly, you will starve yourself
spiritually. That's a
mistake and I'm just learning how to get past it.
While I certainly
hope someone (and the more someones the better) takes some inspiration
from what I write, don't look up to me. Sure,
I want
people to like me, I want to entertain and inspire them, and I
feel my writing talent is a gift, but I'm no better than anyone else.
Nothing to look up to.
I'm right there in the shit with you, my
friend. I'm wading through the same pile of garbage as you are.
The
greatest realization I've come to lately, ever since I really opened
myself up to "everything happens for a reason" and began taking
personal responsibility for my own individual empowerment, is that there
are more of "us" than
I ever realized, all trying to find an answer to this madness.
When you start looking, you'll begin to see them everywhere. We are
drawn to each other.
We all need each other to make the world a better
place. July
30, 2010 -- In
case you managed to miss (or avoid) it, I'm still writing the story
of my cross-country trip in
June. Been spending a lot of time at Facebook lately, especially in
the last few
days, in an effort to bring all my new contacts there over to this
site. A lot of family members on my FB friends list that I'm trying
to convert to becoming part of my audience. Also hunting down a lot
of high school friends.
From the beginning of June until just a day or two ago, I've been living
every day in the moment. At first, I didn't have much choice, but it's
been working very well for me, so I'm just going with it.
All of this reconnecting has made me stop and think, especially in the
last day or so. Haven't been giving the future much thought because the
immediate present had enough obstacles to conquer on its own. But things
have slowed down a little and the tomorrows have suddenly come to the
forefront of my mind.
In additon to the music and writing, I do software programming. It makes
me constantly ask, "What if...?" We all do it to a degree. It's what
makes you check the spare tire before taking a trip, or make sure there's
an extra set of strings in the guitar case. But programming makes me
take it a couple of steps further, trying to anticipate the way humans
will interact with the software, make what they'll naturally want to
do easy, and trying to put a couple of roadblocks up for what they're
likely to do wrong.
So I tend to overanalyze things a little. In software, I lay down the
framework for dealing with potential expansion of functions and data
growth that may never get used, but insure against having to come back
and rip everything out to go to the next level.
When I play music, most of the "what if" questions come during the writing
and production stages but, every once in a while, a wild notion might
strike me onstage, like making a segue to another song that the rest
of the band isn't expecting. If the answer to "what if?" is too risky,
I'll hold back. Sometimes, though, I just know that everyone will immediately
catch on, so I'll go for it. But I have to ask the question first. What
if...?
I'm 55 and starting my life over again. For two months now, I've been
letting "everything happens for a reason" be my guiding principle. Now
I'm finally coming to the point where I wish I had a better grasp of
what the reason is.
I find myself asking "What if...?" about things that there is no way
to determine the outcome to. The unmistakable inner voice that's been
pointing the way and giving me a daily briefing has suddenly
fallen silent.
But at least I know what to do. It sounds silly, maybe even slightly
insane, but if I plug in my headphones and put iTunes on shuffle, the
answers will be there. They always are. Before Clear Channel, the radio
used to work that way, too.
A couple of hours
later -- Man, that works every
fucking time. Always freaks me out a little when it happens, but
after so many years, I should be used to by now.
After Bon Jovi, Joe Cocker, Elvis Costello and Alice Cooper checked
in and had their say, today's answer came in the form of an instrumental,
actually. The questions I was asking didn't need real
words to be answered,
just
thought
triggers. Keith Emerson is top gun in my book, so it's only fitting that
"The Three Fates" reminded me what I was supposed to be doing.
Upgrade Hell
July 25, 2010 -- I
just had to move to OSX. Didn't really want to, was
perfectly happy with my old beige G3 (manufactured July, 1998), but
I'm working on a software project that demanded OSX.
Once I started using OSX, I liked it. Runs faster,
jumps higher, all that shit. Moved everything over except ProTools,
my music recording and editing software. Today, after seeing that there
was actually an OSX version that still supported my old interface (DIGI001),
I decided to take the plunge and bring ProTools along, too. Figured
that, at the very least, I could run the old version of ProTools in
the Classic environment if I had to.
Opened up the G3. Evidently it's been several years since I popped the
cover because the thing was so loaded with dust that I'm surprised it
was still working properly. Used a hair dryer to blow it out, then dusted
it out and took the hair dryer to it again, just to make sure I got the
majority of it out.
Took out the PCI card for the DIGI001 interface and the G3's internal
hard drive and moved them to my new (used & refurbished) G4. Fired it
up. Everything was looking good. Downloaded the ProTools upgrade.
Unfortunately, it turns out that my interface was only supported to
Mac OSX 10.3. It doesn't run under OSX 10.4, which is what came installed
on the G4.
Ended up having to put everything back in the G3. I guess I'm going
to have to open it up and dust it off more often. It's going to have
to be my recording studio a little longer.
The Joy of Satellite Internet
July 11, 2010 -- Since
I'm now in a tiny town just north of Mexico, internet access posed
a small problem when I was trying to get it started -- the only
choice is satellite because no one has wired broadband here.
I'm not going to mention who my provider is, but
I really miss Cox Cable after only 10 days. Satellite service costs
twice as much. If you download too much, your service slows down. I've
got a Mac laptop with OSX and an old G3 that I use for most of my work.
The G3 runs OS9, which isn't supported by the satellite company and
runs dog-slow on a good day. On Cox, it screamed on the Internet. I
was getting upload speeds of a half-megabyte per second.
Today, we're getting the first real monsoon-type
rain of the season. The satellite doesn't work in the rain. Can't even
send or check e-mail. I'll have to wait until it stops raining just
to upload this page.
Cause and Effect
June 6, 2010 -- As
much as the MPAA whines about "piracy," the movie industry
has been having record box office revenues for the past few years --
even as the practice of downloading films has increased.
This week, a film company sued
2,000 people for downloading a movie. Movie box-office receipts
dropped by 24 percent from the comparable weekend last year, according
to the New York Times. Coincidence? |