RIAA Gives Last-Minute Christmas Gift December 22, 2007 -- Just when I was convinced that the year was pretty much over as far as the music business is concerned, when the RIAA sent out a Christmas video greeting so that we don't forget that they are morons. Link to Video (opens in new window) As Live Leak and ars technica are reporting, this video was allegedly sent out to television stations to be used as "news," although there apparently was an intro that explained it came from the RIAA. This is really not much of a departure from the normal stream of RIAA press releases, although I'd be surprised if too many news outlets actually use it because it's really pretty lame for a news spot, not to mention that the announcer talks way too slowly to resemble real news. The clip starts out talking about counterfeit CDs and after a mere 20 seconds jumps right to the "we're losing billions of dollars a year" spiel, but instead of teenagers, this year it's organized crime that's stealing their stuff. This is followed almost immediately by Mr. Anonymous Spokesman talking about who is getting ripped off by organized crime, while standing in front of a huge photo of Frank Sinatra. Because if you're going to talk about organized crime and the music business, a laughing Sinatra is the perfect backdrop. At least it is if you're trying to subconsciously remind the viewers that the music business and organized crime are one and the same. You've got to wonder if the irony was lost on the people filming this, assuming that this actually came from the RIAA. The real comedy gold comes with the Power-Point bullet list of how to tell "legal" CDs apart from "illegal" CDs. This part is kind of confusing because, as we know, when you're talking about the Internet, the RIAA music is the only illegal music. But when you're talking about physical products, suddenly the only legal music belongs to the RIAA. So, assuming that we know which category the RIAA wants to be in this week, let's look at their suggestions for how to tell the difference. You Get What You Pay For -- If the CD is a reasonable price, it must be pirated because God knows that it couldn't have possibly come from the RIAA. It might also be from an independent act with reasonable expectations, but you're not supposed to consider that. Too Good To Be True -- The spoken phrase that goes with this one is, ""Watch for compilation CDs that could only exist in the dreams of a music fan." Again, this is something the record labels couldn't possibly be expected to produce, especially since the music fans all left the labels a couple of decades ago. Suspicious Packaging -- They use the word "amateurish" to describe the distinction between what the RIAA members create and everything else. Once again, it assumes that everything they do not make is pirated when, in truth, it could be a CD by a very talented musician that just isn't very good at graphics and typesetting. Sold in Unusual Places -- Overlooking the fact that a year ago, one would have rightfully called Starbucks or WalMart an "unusual place" to buy music, they mention swap meets and street corners as the pirates' primary marketplaces. Of course, lots of people legally resell CDs at swap meets, but the RIAA doesn't make any money on the resale, so they count as pirates, too. Trust Your Ear -- The exact words here are, "Audio quality on pirated CDs is usually atrocious." This seems like an even bigger inside joke than the Frank Sinatra thing, so much so that it is the one thing that makes me doubt this really came from the RIAA. Do they think -- or expect anyone with half a brain to think -- that this is true? They also think that lossy mp3 files are exact copies, which seems to contradict this new position, but only if you allow reality or the basic laws of physics is taken into consideration, which never happens at the RIAA. If a CD is considered to be pirated, the content must be "owned" by the RIAA. The audio quality of a pirated CD is still an exact copy of the original. Therefore, if the pirated stuff is "usually atrocious," that's because it's a perfect copy of something atrocious that came from a major label, which is why I stopped buying their crap in the first place. If this video is a parody, it's a great one. The truly entertaining part is that if it came from the RIAA, it's still a parody. They're just so steeped in their own propaganda they couldn't realize it.