Mysteries of the Universe by George Ziemann -- April 11, 2008 There are many, many things that I simply do not understand and probably never will. Here are a few that are on my mind today. Faking It Lip-syncing at a "live" performance is high on my list of things artists should never do. I've disliked it since the early 60's when the pop stars would go on American Bandstand, Shindig or Hullabaloo and mime to their hit record. Always thought it was lame. I like it a lot less now. But mere lip-syncing pales in comparison to what Luciano Pavoratti pulled off at the 2006 Winter Olympics. A live performance would have been "too dangerous," conductor Leone Magiera told the BBC. "The orchestra pretended to play, I pretended to conduct and Luciano pretended to sing. It came off beautifully, no one was aware of the technical tricks." Yeah, yeah, I know, it was Pavoratti's final performance, blah, blah, blah. But it was a total sham. Someone paid to send an entire orchestra of actual musicians and their fragile, expensive instruments to Italy so they could pretend to play. The Olympics entertainment committee should have pretended to pay them. Light and Sound In addition to making you look better, good lighting makes your band sound better. There is no logical explanation for this but I have seen it happen too many times to dispute it. Someone is going to tell you that the visual stimulus exaggerates the audio but -- and I'm not joking in the slightest -- I'd bet that even Stevie Wonder can tell the difference. Seriously. Promotional CDs I used to work for a newspaper, editing a weekly entertainment supplement. As a result, I've got a stack of movie photos and some of the promotional CDs that studios sent to me for review. Record labels seem to believe that once they give you one of these CDs, they still own it. Forever. The current embodiment of this ridiculous viewpoint is Universal Music's lawsuit against eBay seller Troy Augusto, claiming he has no right to resell promotional CDs that he buys from secondhand stores. UMG says Augusto is infringing their copyright by his actions, even though the copyright law clearly states that this is not a violation. It's called the First Sale Doctrine. Once a CD has been sold, the buyer can do whatever they want with it, including resell it. Augusto bought his copies at a secondhand store. Logic would decree that there is no legal issue here. Logic does not visit Universal Music. They put a sticker on their promotional CDs that says they are "not for resale." In their tiny minds, this supercedes the law. They tried this at the dawn of radio by stamping albums "Not for Broadcast" so that the radio couldn't play them. It didn't work then and it's not going to work now. Wired has a brief article on this one, too, which brings us to the parts I don't understand. Universal Music's claim is that Augusto could not have bought these CDs legitimately because the sticker says they're not for sale. Apparently, they think Augusto has to prove the existence of used record stores, then explain how each copy made it from Universal's manufacturing facility to the store because no one was supposed to sell it to a store. I think all he needs is a receipt. The peak of absurdity comes in response to Augusto's statement that, if he can't sell a particular CD, he'll give it to someone or throw it away. Universal's court brief says that "Both are unauthorized distributions." Don't tell me I can't throw a promotional CD away. I throw away some of the ones I buy. The mystery is why anyone would waste the time, effort, money, as well as that of the judicial system, to file a federal court case based on this ludicrous theory. Health Extremists Okay, this one doesn't have anything to do with music but I really, really don't understand it. I'm 6' 1" and weigh 185. Got a bit of middle-age gut, but I'm not fat. Haven't had so much as a cold for three years. The only reason I even go to the doctor in the first place is keep my sertraline (Zoloft) prescription going, which keeps my emotional response to stupid people in control. You have to have a blood test every so often to make sure the stuff isn't causing a liver malfunction, allowing the doc to test for other stuff. My cholesterol used to be high but now it's in the normal range. The doctor is still concerned about triglycerides, which is currently at about 20% of what it used to be. That's as medical as I'm going to get, because, well, I'm not even sick. This week, after never before asking me about my diet, my doctor has suggested (via a recorded message) that I cut out all fried foods, fat, sugar and starches. I'm still digesting this request, but this is just the sort of thing I need the Zoloft for because just thinking about this depresses me and I'm only writing about it here to suppress the urge to write directly to my doctor and tell him I think he's insane if he thinks I'm going to listen to this crap. Let's start with breakfast, which I recall being reminded all my life, right up to last month's Jack in the Box commercials, is "the most important meal of the day." Coffee is still okay, but I'm not drinking it without cream and sugar. Milk? Full of fat. Grape juice? More sugar per ounce than Pepsi. Grapefruit juice? That stuff is nasty. Ham, bacon and sausage are all off the menu, along with those cholesterol-laden eggs. Hit the starches and you can forget pancakes, waffles, hash browns, doughnuts, pastries or even a piece of dry toast. I just wanted a cup of coffee. What's for lunch? No sandwiches. No fast food. A salad with no dressing. And a glass of water. Dinnertime is going to be scant. No potatoes, pasta, rice, bread, butter, or even a Thin Mint, much less anything which could be considered a dessert. Forget Italian food. Soup is probably okay, if there aren't any noodles, but don't even think about crackers. If you like ramen noodles as the result of being in college, you can mix the seasonings with water, but the noodle part is outta here. Red meat is fatty, so we're down to a piece of baked chicken or fish and a vegetable. I don't even like fish. This is why old people get so thin and frail. Their doctors tell them to stop eating. Or wait until their teeth fall out and tell them they have to eat raw vegetables and tree bark. The mystery is why anyone listens to this advice. If I have to eat like this to live longer, just shoot me now. Why live to be 100 if you can't eat the cake? There is more to life than simply not dying. I'm not a record label, ya know.