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Welcome to Bizarro Worldby George Ziemann -- June 19, 2008 In the comic books of my youth, occasionally Superman would travel to Bizarro World, where nothing made sense, people did the opposite of what was normal behavior, and logic was a handicap. Bizarro Superman once characterized up his job as, "It am not easy." At the time, he was trying to put food on his family and had misunderestimated the effectification of his strategery. It seemed kind of silly back then. Now, I think I live there. Food -- Once upon a time, we were told that their were four food groups -- meat, dairy, breads, fruit/vegetables. A good, balanced meal was one which contained all four. A pepperoni pizza qualified. The four food groups eventually were replaced by a pyramid of some sort, which seemed to lean heavily towards fruit and vegetables. Ironically, those who followed the pyramid scheme were the most likely to be poisoned by bad lettuce, spinach, and tomatoes when the nation's food supply suddenly became toxic. Music -- Illegal. It am not good. Also, Snoop Dogg just recorded a country album, Metallica is offering free downloads and Paul McCartney's record label is Starbucks. Homeland Security -- We used to have National Security and Civil Defense. Now we have neither. A few weeks ago, a bag of hair gel shut down Phoenix International Airport. This is paranoia, not security. We might feel more secure if all the assets of the Defense Department (including the soldiers) weren't located somewhere on the other side of the world. That whole New Orleans thing of sending thousands of people to the Superdome and then pretending not to know anyone was there for a week didn't help bolster the feeling of homeland security, either. Disinformation Age -- We've got the world at our fingertips, literally, with the Internet but we get increasingly stupider every day. Let's look at New Orleans again because it's relevant to the punch line. The Weather Channel was telling us that hurricane was gonna be a problem for a week before it hit, with increasing frequency and more ominous warnings. And yet, it was a huge fucking surprise. Last week, the entire state of Iowa flooded (except the part that should have). They're just now figuring out that it's all gonna be at the other end of the Mississippi River soon. They will still be astonished and baffled next week when New Orleans is under water again. Television -- Once primarily dominated by fictional characters and moralistic storylines; now dominated by "reality" TV, in which vapid real people display the lengths they will go to satisfy their greed and lust for fame and/or power. And after the news, we get the same thing on Survivor. News -- Once a source of information, now a quiz show that's reluctant to tell you what the answer is.
Then of course, there is the endless stream of news that is not news, which is the entire basis for Fark's existence. And the mug shot of that guy with the gold paint on his face. But who else is gonna pass along the update on Gainesville, Florida's homeless soccer league, the Fox News hunt for hookers on Google Earth, or keep you abreast of the Teacher Having Sex With Student of the day. This is topped only when you read a story on Fark before it shows up as part of your local "Eyewitness News". Immigration -- "Give me your tired and poor..." English? Irish? Scot? Welsh? Come on down! African? You're coming whether you want to or not. Italian? German? Polish? Welcome to America! Swiss? French? Dutch? Plenty of room! Canadian? We thought you were just another state. C'mon in, neighbor. Chinese? Japanese? Korean? Vietnamese? We love you long time, especially the sweet & sour chicken! From Cuba, Haiti or the Dominican Republic? Touch dry land before we catch you and you're in! Mexican? Woah! Wait a fucking minute, hombre. You got papers? Education -- There is only one test that matters. Geography and history are not on it. Neither are physical education, music, art, government, civics or common sense. As a result, these subjects are no longer relevant and time expended on them is kept to a minimum in order to concentrate on passing The Test. At least they stopped telling the kids to hide under the desk in the event of a nuclear attack, although it might work during a school shooting (see Homeland Security). Gas Prices -- Alan Greenspan just offered his opinion that, yes Virginia, the Iraq war was about oil. Our current low, low prices are the result of the spectacular success of that plan, which was a glorious victory for the Homeland. Separation of Church and State -- This one is actually in the course of self-correcting. After allowing religion to gain prominence in the political arena, politicians are once again separating themselves from the church, but only because the church leader turns into a raving lunatic when you turn a camera on him. Orwell -- It's not satire any more. The Onion -- It's still satire, but usually not for very long. They can barely keep ahead of reality. It am not easy. Follow-up -- June 20I would be remiss if I did not come back here to add these two gems. 1) The MPAA told a federal judge that they didn't think copyright infringement cases should require evidence. 2) More on New Orleans. This may or may not be true. Will advise if I determine. Apparently, there was a huge shipment of stuff like shoes, socks, towels, blankets and other things that the government that the people of New Orleans could use following Katrina. I'm not sure of any quantities, but it was reportedly large enough to classify as a "shitpile." Well, as one would expect, the stuff never did make it to New Orleans. Ended up in storage somewhere in Texas until recently, when the property owner announced that if someone didn't move this stuff out, he was going to start giving it away. So someone came and got it, just about the time the entire state of Iowa flooded. Did they take the supplies to flood victims that needed it now? Oh, fuck no. They still sent it to New Orleans. The shitpile is so big that there's like three pairs of shoes for every living soul in the Big Easy. I'm going to guess that at least half of it floats away in the next 5 days, when the Midwest flood hits the delta. |
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